| get over it? |
[Jan. 24th, 2007|07:24 pm] |
if i were to be really good at one thing.
that would definately be fucking up.
not in any way trying to be all emo or looking for pitty.
but seriously, if i really think hard about what i have been absolutely good at in the past 17 and however many months of my life,
i have pretty much fucked up on everything that i have done.
not even things that ive tried to do well, or things that are really challenging to me.
but things that really matter to me.
so why should i fuck up on everything i actually care about?
that is a really good question, and id like someone to give me the answer.
because i certainly have not been able to come to a conclusion for my behavior.
and i have been thinking, and thinking and thinking for a damn long time,
so that maybe i can fix my amazing talent for fucking everything up.
not just for me, but for countless people around me.
this brings up another subject, of how i have gone through a lot of different groups of friends.
every year i think, these are the ppl.
they are the ones who i will spend the rest of my life with.
but no, every time i have been wrong.
yes, i will always remember them, and maybe keep in touch with a lot.
but i am almost quite sure that i will never be as close to pretty much any of them, ever again.
it seems like i dont care about going through so many different friendships,
that is absolutely not true.
because everytime that happens,
i kill myself over it. i mentally, and emotionally distroy myself.
sometimes, more than others.
but this time, this time, i am almost sure that this is the worst of any of those cases i have ever encountered.
i realized, that i really really loved those friends.
true, there were some things that i was quite sure i was so fond of.
but after i have just FUCKED THINGS UP AGAIN i finally came to the conclusion,
that i really truely enjoyed being with those people.
so even tho im writing about this stupid shit on a stupid web page.
i really feel terrible, really really..just bad.
i honestly dont think that i can ever find enough words to explain the way ive been feeling.
maybe i can apologize?
yes, maybe i can. but i doubt that would do anything for the better.
i may be forgiven. but i will never be the same to them.
but the worst thing out of all of this,
is that they dont give a shit.
they can care less about what the fuck i did, and how ever the hell i feel about it.
cuz this is all just me. everything is all going on in my head.
not what happened, because i am surely not imagining or making any of it in my head.
but i am the only one who cares about it, and i am the only one making such a big deal out of it.
why?
because i am so fucking tired of all the bullshit i do to myself, and others.
and again,
i am very aware of the fact that me writing this right now will have absolutely no effect on what just happened,
and what goes on,
and what will happen in the years of the rest of my very young life.
BUT I JUST CANT FUCKING GET OVER IT! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2006|12:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
looking through people's old xangas and lj's really makes you wonder..
"what makes us change so much in such a short amount of time?"
and sometimes, you just wish that you can go back in time and be that person you were then, or tell someone really important about how you feel.
before it becomes too late to realize that.
i know my priorities have changed a lot.
and i regret not knowing that the decisions i made before weren't the smartest ones i could make.
im not the kind of person who holds grudges against someone else.
but i hold a lot of grudges against myself.
and as of now, my biggest regret is that i let go of something really important and its too late to fix things now.
but then you think, life's full of mistakes and regrets that we cant rewind again.
so instead, you have to make every moment in the future one that you will never regret and one that will be cherishable for the rest of your life.
or at least thats what i hope to do... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2006|08:43 am] |
so yesterday..me and two other girls are hanging out at the hand ball courts and a few ppl were smoking around us.
right after they left, mr cumberland comes walking over, and he says he smells weed.
HA.
he tells us to walk to the office where we were put in three different rooms.
so he starts going through our purses, and i thought i didnt have nething i shouldnt have in there.
then he found prescription pills and i got busted for that because i didnt get permission from the office to bring it.
and then they found a pipe.
I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS IN THERE.
i havent smoked week for a loooong ass time.
MONTHS.
and then mr cumberland starts yelling at me ofcourse.
and i try to explain that i had no idea it was in there because i hadnt used it for the longest time ever.
but ofcourse he doesnt believe me.
and then he yells at me about how he trusted me and blah blah blah.
i really had no idea...and thenn he starts asking me about alcohol..wtf.
he says "ive been hearing that kids were going to drink at school."
uhh...i didnt know that.
but ofcourse he yells at me again for lying even though i really didnt know.
and i asked him how he found out and he says he read it in a note.
OH MY GOD.
a note..i mean really, a note can be a joke or like pretend...
after the yelling i got put back in a little cubic room again.
and then 3 hours went by and a bunch of ppl we know were called up to the office to be questioned.
they must like pretending to be cops. hahaha.
finally we saw a cop car pull up into the school and thats when we started freaking out. one of the girls got called to cumberlands room and we were told to stay in the room so we did.
and by the time it was my turn to go in she was gone.
and the other girl was allowed to leave.
i aksed them about my friend but they didnt say nething.
so mister cumberland sat me in his room and told me that i was going to be suspended.
i didnt care about that.
and then he started talking about drumline...
he said oh you guys did so well last night (open house) you guys are going t do great in ohio..
i say thanks but then i notice him looking at me weird.
and he says...but too bad you wont be there.
BOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!
he dropped it on me hhharrrrddd.
i started sobbing like a little girl.
then ms. hibbard walks in and sees me crying.
mister cumberland tells her the situation and she looks at me and says...
its time to change things..really change things.
I DID CHANGE THINGS!!! A LOOONG TIME AGO.
but ofcourse they dont listen to me.
and i sit in his office whaling until they put me in that stupid room again.
and they tell me to wait for my mom to come.
she came about 5 hours later.
i cried the whole time in there.
i threw chairs and kicked the desk occasionally.
so i called john and he was beyond mad he was speachless...
so i started thinking of ways to get me out of this.
and i wrote her a letter begging her to let me finish the season so i dont let the rest of the line down.
i had like 5 rough drafts.
and then i put it in an envelope and stuck it on her clip.
the rest of the day i dont remember..
i just sat in my room crying till my voice started cracking.
but i still kept going.
i got quite a few phone calls from cerritos and ayala kids telling me how sorry they were.
i dont like when ppl say sorry for something they had nothing to do with.
so now i guess thomas is replacing me.
thats wonderful.
the kid that hates me playing my drum...
not mine nemore i guess...
i called the office all morning today and they said that shed call me back but i doubt it.
i have to talk to her by today..tomorrow is mission viejo...
i really cant believe this is happening.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2006|01:34 pm] |
february is the month of love. sure..
i made new sophomore friends this month so far. dylan and brad. theyre fun.
uuum. lots of drama but thats all done. dramas dumb.
malina started going to driving school. and thats fluffing scary.
too lazie to type now.
buh baii. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|04:26 pm] |
i miss rachels house...already.
i want to grow up..i hate being in high school :'[ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|09:17 am] |
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this year is going to be the shit...i hope.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2005|03:52 pm] |
malinas a laggerrr malinas a laggger malinas a laaagggggerrrrr!!!
hurry up damn it..
goin hookah with my lovers, malina and my big bro tonight :]
then spending the night at heather's house!!!
yaaaayyy party all night looong :D |
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| mewmewmew!!! |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|12:35 pm] |
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im at malina's house for the third day today in fountain valley. and me nd mickey are trying to get rico nd leena together...ahahahaha. AND ITS GOING TO HAPPEN. mickey's a cutie pie.<3 |
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| ... |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|08:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | death cab | ] |
soo winter break is here...and its fucking cold.
so on saturday i went to E auditions with paul and elsa. and it was a lot of fun. it just kinda sucks that i wont drum with the same crowd again :'[ and once school starts everything is going to be the same thing again...bleh.
after the weekend we had rehearsal on monday and i dont remember the rest...ahahaha. well sometime this week me nd rachel went to a hookah bar with abe nd his friends. it was fun i guess..just his friends didnt want to be there and if we knew that we wouldve left but watever.
omg i just wish the srpingline would fucking start...arghh.
today i tried to take my dads car but i decided not to as i was pulling out of the drive way because i didnt think i felt like getting a DUI or get my parents into trouble because i dont even have a damn permit yet. ahahahah.
i went to davey's house and i hadnt seen him or paisle in a long time. i missed them..fuckin kevin is so cool. ahahaha. we watched animal planet just fucked up out of our minds. just sitting in that freaking room got me stoned as fuck. it was fun though.
then i get home and my dad has my progress report in his hands...oy vey. he yelled at me forever, i dont think he understands how it feels to be the only stupid one in the fuckin family. my parents were always so perfect, my dad has never gotten lower than a damn A in his entire fucking life.
rachel's comming over tonight and we're going to try to get out of my house and go to a party in tustin. i hope we dont fuck up. ahahaha.
and rico...he's just way too cool :[ |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2005|01:29 pm] |
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oy...so im sick at home. aaaannd im really lonely. i made cupcales for fourth period and i had to have my dad take it to school. i hope they were alright. sammy said that they were good, but thats juss cuz hes nice. im going to make tiny ones tonight, or at least try to for my lovely people :] i slept for 16 hours...but im still sleepy.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2005|03:01 pm] |
hrejkrjbhewghrjegrewhjhjgrewjghre
im feelin pretty dumb |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|03:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad as fuck | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | death cab | ] |
so yesterday i hung out with ken. and it was fun in a really familiar way. i missed that a lot, and im glad i was able to feel that way one last time.
then theres this one kid...and i cant believe i told him the stupid shit i did. but it was going to happen sooner or later i guess. but im just really sad that nothing will be the same again. heh.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GRADY FACE!!!
im glad you were born even tho all that stupid shit happened between us.
:'[ |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|02:15 pm] |
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i hate when things are awkward...im sry david...i still want to be your friend :[ |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2005|02:05 pm] |
rent is a really good movie. if you havent seen it...you should.
this is for sarah and rachel.
i GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA ....yeah ok.
mmmmbapp.
me nd jlee are so in love..siigh. <33 |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|04:00 pm] |
john told us wat our concept was last night. and we heard the show too. it sounded like an anime. hahaha. so yeah, i think that im really shallow. i dont kno wat im doing most of the time. and i think i like someone but i dont. ppl still tell me to get back with ken. hjkfhewjkrhjkwqlerhjklwerqhjklewqr. fuck life. ahahaha. jk. i love my life.
one day im going to go up to him and tell him everything, and how im sry that things went wrong and that it seemed totally different than the way it actually was. i also want to tell him that i liked him fr real too...heh.
i love this kid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|02:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kevin Duong- You and Me | ] |
its rainy. and i like it. so neway. i met...not really sorta met this guy kevin, he's malina's friend and he has the most beautiful voice ever. he's really cute and hes really sweet, and hes really funnie. we talked about a lot of things and we seem to think the same. he made me feel a lot better about a lot of things that have been going on. im happy that i made a new friend :D
saturday we had a competition at valley view high school somewhere far. it was fun, and i was sooo close to talking to one of my idols but i was way too scared. ahahah. on the way back we got lost like a million times but it was fun all together.
on friday we had our homecoming game at bolsa and me nd rachel were at lee's and then this cute viet guy came to talk to us. hahah. that was cool. hmm, i had a good weekend i supposed.
yesterday me nd abe nd rachel nd jlee went to the korean festival and the cerritos mall.
oh yeah and ken came over just a few minutes ago...iono why but he did. it was kinda weird... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2005|08:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I HATE FEELINGS. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2005|09:36 pm] |
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man. so i have something in me hip. sigh. watever. i got to see sydney today! yay! and paul made the bass line necklaces. cuz hes our daddy. and im still crushed. ahahaha. i dont know why i cant stop thinking about him. everything i do has to somehow remind me of him. fuck feelings!!! but i cant help it. i dont know if i can wait any longer... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|09:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  loved | ] |
you know what. im going to talk about jennifer lee. she is like my partner in soul...iono. ahahaha. she just understands everything. we think the same things. shes always there to talk to. im not sure what im trying to say. but i think she is a pretty big part of me. i cant imagine being without her. it seems as if im talking about some guy or something. lol. but no, she really is important to me. i hope we stay close. im so glad to have met her. and im so glad to be so close to her. i love her to death. shes my beautiful little jennifer lee. IM NOT A LESBIAN. ahahahha. i love you donut. |
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